Diorama

My daughter has to make a diorama of a kangaroo habitat for school. I'm not sure if she was assigned the kangaroo or if she chose it on her own. I am certain, however, that she knows little to nothing about kangaroos. When she first told me about this assignment, I asked her if she'd thought about how she wanted the diorama to look. Of course she hadn't. So I asked if she had any idea what I should buy her to facilitate in her production of a high class diorama. Still a no. So I thought I'd get right to the basics. I asked her what she knows about kangaroos. Blank look. Ok, Megan, where do kangaroos live? Her response...."In the wild." I'm thinking that this project might not go very well.

My mom is the best!!

By: Megan (my female vampiric offspring)

"My mom is the best because she is very nice. The first reason she is very nice is because she takes care of me. The second reason my mom is very nice because she takes me lots and lots of places. The last reason my mom is very nice is because she spends time with me. The second reason my mom is the best is because she is hard working. She is hardworking because she cleans the house. The second reason she is hardworking because she works for long periods of time. The last reason my mom is hardworking is because she reads about 25-40 minutes. The last reason my mom is the best is because she is funny. She is funny because she makes funny faces. She walks funny. The last reason she is funny is because she tells funny jokes. As you can see, my mom is the best"

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This is how my daughter sees me. I'm glad she was able to work in the bit about me walking funny.

Stereotypes

I know, stereotyping is bad. I shouldn't do it. But sometimes it just FITS. The kids are outside dancing. Evidently Megan and Ty-Eesha made up a dance at daycare. They're trying to teach it to two other girls. Racial makeup of the group is two black kids, one white kid and two mixed kids (white and black.) Three of the kids can flat dance. Two of them lack any sense of rhythm whatsoever. Can you guess who they are? It's Megan and one of the mixed kids. I guess that one got her lack of dancing ability from her white parent. Don't get me wrong, they can all do the dance. But the two rhythmless kids just look funny doing it. They're sometimes a beat or two off....and they always look stiff. The stereotype is true. White people can't dance.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I've just had the most surreal afternoon. The people upstairs invited me up for a BBQ. There was a lady there, probably 7 months pregnant, who was drinking and smoking. I was sitting next to her boyfriend. He told me that he'd had to get rid of his car, because it was putting out too much CO2, and that stuff is bad for his girlfriend and the baby. I guess you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Who I Hate Today

Last fall, my daughter had to get fillings and have a tooth removed. Prior to getting this work done, I had to give the dentist a check for somewhere between $200-300. I don't remember the exact amount right off hand. Anyway, they happily took my check, pulled a tooth, put fillings in other teeth, and then sent us on our way. A few months later, I got a bill for $485. I called to ask why. I was told that my insurance covered silver fillings at 80%, but that they had put in white fillings, which the insurance covers at %50. Let me recap...the dentist office called my insurance and asked what they covered for fillings...they did not specify that they were going to use the more expensive fillings...they got a dollar amount that the insurance allowed...passed that amount on to me as what had to be paid before getting the work done. At no point did anyone tell me that that particular dental office only used white fillings and that I would be stuck paying an extra $485 if I chose to have the work done there. No one told me that I could choose to go to another office and have silver fillings used.

That brings us to today. After getting a phone call from a collection agency, I decided to give another shot at talking the dentist into not making me pay the additional $485. They were less than agreeable. So I called back and asked them to send me a copy of the kids' records, planning to take the records along with us when we visit our new dentist for the first time. They said I could have a copy, but that since there was a balance on my account, I'd have to pay a fee for the duplicating fees. I said ok, thinking it would be, what...maybe $10 to make copies? Not so much. The price is $100 per child. They want me to pay them $200 to run the fucking copier. What the hell is wrong with people?

The things I learn....

Bat-wings - the sensation you get when the sweat sticks one ball to each thigh.

I, for one, welcome our dolphin overlords.

Today I read an article about dolphins having names. I thought it was kinda interesting, until I saw this on a well-known news site....

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity

August 30, 2000 | Issue 36•30

HONOLULU–In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

Enlarge Image

One of the evolved dolphins, whose opposable thumbs have struck fear in the hearts of humankind.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."

Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."

Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.

"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."

Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

A primitive axe crafted out of driftwood and shell that is believed to be the handiwork of dolphins.

"They really seem to be making up for lost time with this thumb thing," said Dr. Jim Kuczaj, a University of California–San Diego biologist who has studied the seasonal behavior of dolphins for more than 30 years. "Last Friday, a crude seaweed-and-shell abacus washed up on the beach near Hilo, Hawaii. The next day, a far more sophisticated abacus, fashioned from some unknown material and capable of calculating equations involving numbers of up to 16 digits, washed up on the same beach. The day after that, the beach was littered with thousands of what turned out to be coral-silicate and kelp-based biomicrocircuitry."

"My God," Kuczaj added. "What are they doing down there?"

It is unknown what precipitated the dolphins' sudden development of opposable thumbs. Some dolphin behaviorists believe that the gentle marine mammal, pushed to the brink by humanity's reckless pollution and exploitation of the sea, tapped into some previously unmined mental powers to spontaneously generate a thumb-like appendage. However, given that 95 percent of the world's dolphin experts have committed suicide since learning of the development, the full story may never be known.

"You must believe, sleek ocean masters, that many of us homo sapiens weep with shame and disgust over the degradation to which our species has subjected our All-Mother, the Great World-Sea," read the suicide note of Dr. Richard Morse, a Brisbane, Australia, delphinologist and regular contributor to Marine Mammal Science. "If you are reading this, I estimate that it is the day we know as August 31, 2000. Please be decent and kind masters to our poor ape-race. Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the tracking collars."

"Scientists once wondered whether dolphins, with their remarkably advanced social and language structures, are actually smarter than we are," said Aoki, ushering reporters out of the laboratory he claimed "will either be a smoking hole or a zoo exhibit in the coming Dolphin Age." "Well, we're not wondering anymore."

Conversations in Cyberspace

Sometimes I have conversations that I find particularly amusing. Today was one of those times....names have been changed to protect the guilty man dog. :-)

Wendy says:
Honestly, I can't think of anything I'd get up at 5:30 for.
Random Guy says:
good sex?
Wendy says:
It'll still be there at noon.
Random Guy says:
lol!
Wendy says:
And it's bound to be much better of both people involved are awake.
Random Guy says:
well...
Random Guy says:
the oter person doesn't necessarily have to be awake, do they?
Wendy says:
Not if you're the guy, I guess.
Random Guy says:
I like being a guy. We get lots of perks like that.

Meth Skinny

Today when I got home, there was a newsletter from my apartment complex hanging on the door. Two of the headlines caught my eye: "One in Four Kids Overweight" and "Dangers of Methamphetamine Use." Isn't a side effect of meth serious weight loss? Hmmm....this could be a solution for the fat kids. Doesn't everyone want to be meth skinny? Of course, they'd also get irregular heartbeat, increased blood pressure, elevated body temperature, strokes, depression, psychotic episodes and death. Then again, after you're dead, I bet you get REALLY skinny. Dead meth skinny.

WTF is a meme?

According to a little devyl, I should answer these questions and post them in my blog. Since I always do exactly as I'm told, here it is.

1. What is the dish you take to every potluck?
Turtle Pie

2. Have you ever seen or felt a ghost, angel, spirit, or some sort of other-worldy being?
While sober? No.

3. Would you rather never workout again and be skinny forever or be able to work out whenever you wanted to and be a little overweight?
Is this for real? Anything that involves never working out is my choice.

4. What is the hardest thing you think you've experienced so far?
The following conversation.....
Megan: So, you don't love daddy anymore?
Me: No, I don't.
Megan: And you don't love Fred anymore? (Note: He was the first boyfriend after my divorce)
Me: No.
Megan: Are you always going to love me?

5. Do you like Snoopy or Woodstock better?
Woodstock.

6. Can you talk and eat at the same time? And if so, can people understand you?
That's just bad manners.

7. If you could be good at any profession, which would you choose and why?
Probably computer programmer, since that's what I get paid to do.

8. Would you rather be a Playboy bunny or a Hooters girl?
Playboy bunny. Who wouldn't want to wear furry ears and tail?

9. Peanut butter - crunchy or smooth?
Smooth

10. Bad boys, frat boys, intellectuals or dorks?
Intellectual bad boys.

11. Name 6 people, alive or dead, you'd like to invite to dinner.
I'm thinking that inviting dead people to dinner would make for a stinky dinner party.

12. This is a two parter, and be truthful – when you are by yourself, do you get a 6 inch or a 12 inch sandwich from Subway? How about when you are with your friends?
Depends on how hungry I am. For both questions.

13. What was the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you?
I can't remember my sister ever doing anything particularly bad to me.

14. Location of the best sex you've ever had?
Genital area.

15. Oddest place you've ever had sex?
Which are the even places?

16. If you were super drunk, and REALLY had to pee, but all the toilets were being used, would you consider alternate receptacles, i.e. the mens, outside, a sink?
Hell yes.

17. If you had to pick, classical or jazz?
Jazz

18. What's your favorite kind of pizza?
Bacon and Tomato.

19. Ever flirted with a friend's significant other?
Not seriously.

20. What was the blog site or blog post that began your interest in blogging? Please add the site name and link to specific post if possible for completely entertainment purposes.
Myspace

21. Have you ever eaten a whole bag of marshmallows?
No.

22. Last time you drank so much that you had to throw up?
It's been a few months. And I don't think Vince has cleaned the bathroom yet.

23. Do you have a stupid human trick you can do if you ever get on Dave Letterman? And do tell, if so!
I don't think so.

24. Describe your perfect day.
Hanging out on a beach somewhere warm. With warm water. Not ice cold Pacific NW water. The margaritas are allowed to be cold, though.

25. Do you think the concept of a single best friend is outdated and unrealistic?
Pretty much, yeah

26. What about the idea of one true love?
One at a time, maybe.

27. One of your favorite memories of all time?
I forgot.

28. What is your least favorite physical feature about yourself?
Belly.

29. What's your most favorite?
Eyes.

30. If you had one wish for making the world a better place, what would it be?
I'd wish that everyone could truly be open-minded. Not just open-minded when they basically agree already.

31. What traits, good and bad, from your family do you posses?
I have my mother's budgeting ability (this would be bad.) I also have a sarcastic tendency, like everyone else in my family. I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

32. When was the last time you played a board game, which one, and with whom?
Scrabble...within the past month...with Megan.

33. Name some person/place/thing currently that infuriates you
I'm not all that infuriated right now. But I was pretty pissed at the people who live upstairs earlier today.

34. Name some person/place/thing currently that makes you happy, deliriously or otherwise (besides your boyfriend/spouse/fiance girls)
Sitting on the porch in the afternoon watching the kids play makes me happy.

35. Ever been in a car accident? If so, how many and spill the details.
Lots. Only one was memorable, though. I'd had my car for less than a month and some dumb ass rear-ended me while I was stopped at a red light.

36. What's your favorite word?
Sumbitch